The men from the Ministry

I got a phone call in the office one morning. The voice on the other end of line made Barry White sound like he had been castrated.

‘A car from the ministry will collect you at 10 o’clock Mr Tom.’ Click. No explanation, no good morning, just a dead line.

Now I haven’t been here that long so I didn’t think I could have upset anyone enough to warrant the government coming to take me away but you do start to think about scenes from the Last King of Scotland and the Dogs of War.

Anyway I was bundled into the government car, I wasn’t really, I just got in but it sounds more dramatic, and we headed out of town and into the forest, the driver telling me I was to meet the men from the Ministry. We arrived at a scrubby field populated by some corrugated iron shacks on the outskirts of a nearby township.
I was greeted like a long lost brother by Maina and Charles, representatives of the Ministry of Sport, looking more excited than kids at Christmas. I looked around and to my relief the firing squad were missing so managed to relax a bit.

‘We would like you to build us a cricket ground Mr Tom. They used to play cricket here in the colonial days and we would like to re-establish the sport in this area and build a new ground here.’

‘That’s great, we’d be happy to help, what sort of ground do you want to build?’ I asked looking at the grazing livestock and random people asleep in the grass. ‘Something for the local kids, or do you want a club ground here?’

‘No you misunderstand us Mr Tom, we want to build our Lord’s here.’

A township on the outskirts of Nairobi isn’t exactly St John’s Wood but still you have got to admire the ambition and apparently the government cash is there to build an international ground so we will see!

After a good look around, taking some rough measurements and advising on what initial work would need to be done to start the ball rolling Maina insisted we go for lunch at his favourite local restaurant. Restaurant would have to be applied in the loosest possible terms, grubby, fly infested hovel would have been closer to the mark. How do you tell the Deputy Minster that his favourite eating place is somewhere you wouldn’t let your dog sit on the floor?!

Before a menu could be produced (like this place would have a menu!) Maina had ordered the local special – oh joy! Now I am not a great fan of offal, in fact I’d hate it even if I knew what sort of animal it had originated from and it had been cooked by a Michelin starred chef. I was confronted by a plate of liver from this week’s road kill warmed by the mid day sun and not much else. While Maina and Charles tuck in I’m desperately trying to think of a way I can avoid putting this decaying warthog’s vital organs into my mouth.

There was no way out so I decided to take the plunge. Now I have never admired Jordan or Katie Price or that ugly inflated plastic slapper (choose your own description) ever before but after watching her eat her way through plated animals bits on I’m a Celebrity and keeping it together, I have a new found grudging respect for her after this episode. Without going into the gory details it tasted like luke warm raw flesh that had been marinated in ear wax (you’ve all tried it, don’t deny it). How I managed to avoid hurling all over the Kenyan Government’s finest is still a mystery but it is an experience I never want to repeat, all meetings are now scheduled immediately after meal times so I can say I have already eaten!

Not all my culinary exploits have been so grim and there are some really good restaurants in Nairobi but regardless of how careful you are where and what you eat eventually you will take a compulsory course in what I have decided to call the African Atkins Diet.

I think this could be the way I make my millions when I publish the book, release the DVD and advise serial celebrity skinnies like Posh and Cheryl. There are quite a few ways to get kick started on the African Atkins, you can eat something a bit dodgy, drink some tap water or just get bitten by the wrong fly but the results are the same. The African Atkins differs from the original in that instead of not eating just carbs I guarantee you will not have the urge to eat anything for about a week! There are financial benefits too because you won’t spend any money on food, you will need to stock up on extra loo roll though. In fact you won’t spend money on anything unless you shop online while wedded to your toilet.

It may be an extreme way of shifting those unwanted pounds but as they say no pain, no gain and the results are pretty impressive, I shifted nearly a stone in five days no problem!